Harry Potter and the Eclipse of the Crossover
by Hermione W. Cullen
Summary: A musical comedy thriller. Because...well...I had to. It's just a parody, please don't shoot me! And , come on...you know you want to. There you go. Just click it. C'mon, click the link...
1. Epiphany

Harry Potter and the Eclipse of the Crossover: A Musical Comedy Thriller

Harry Potter and the Eclipse of the Crossover: A Musical Comedy Thriller

--Long Author's Note—Skip it if you're a square—

_Yes, it's true. I have finally broken down and started writing the Fanfic Every Fangirl Secretly Wants to Write: A Harry Potter/Twilight crossover. But—be fair!—there are so many questions to answer! Do wizards' spells affect vampires? Would Hogwarts accept the Cullens? Would Bella be as inept at magic as she is at everything else? What if all the best characters from both books joined together in a great musical revue? Okay, so maybe that last one was just me. But the point is—so much potential! _

_To my regular readers: I'm sorry I haven't updated anything in so long! I'm a terrible person. However, I do have a carefully-prepared excuse: I have been suffering from writer's block and MHS (Mucho Homework Syndrome). But I do now have several good plot developments in mind, and should have lots of stuff up soon._

_Disclaimer: Some song lyrics have been altered beyond recognition to fit my devious purposes. Also, my apologies to Joann Kathleen Rowling, Stephenie Meyer, Stephen Sondheim, Andrew Lloyd Weber, every person who's ever written for Saturday Night Live, writers of Potter Puppet Pals, and (eventually) countless others…I am a thief. I'm sure something in here violates some sort of fair use law. Hmm, I bet JKR would know all about that…_

Chapter One: Epiphany

Isabella Marie Swan lay wrapped in the perfect marble arms of her own personal demigod, Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. Not at all bothered by the unoriginality of this opening sentence, she sighed contentedly and wriggled around to face her travel-size deity. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder, which was actually quite adorable in a hamsterish sort of way. They lay that way for some time—Bella perfectly still, Edward enjoying the way the moonlight shimmered on her eyelashes.

Shimmer, shimmer, shimmer. Edward was quite distracted from any train of thought that might have left his metaphorical mind-station. Which is why he was quite surprised when those eyelashes (lids) fluttered open.

"Hey Edward?" Bella muttered sleepily.

"Hmm?" Edward acknowledged, able to act calm and unruffled even when taken by surprise.

"You've read the _Harry Potter_ books, right?" Edward looked rather taken aback. Bella never talked about this kind of thing. All she ever read was Jane Austen and stuff. And while I have to admit that Pride and Prejudice is pretty awesome, Harry Potter rules the (non-Twilight) world, and this sentence no longer pertains to the story…

"Yes, of course! I've read every book ever. I'm too amazing not to have. Besides, I never sleep—what else did I have to do, before you came along?" Bella sat up.

"So…is _that _what vampires do at night?" Edward smirked.

"Not a chance. A guy's got to have some secrets." Bella leaned back and sighed.

"_You could drive a person crazy_," she sang in a surprisingly high and girly voice, "_you could drive a person mad_…"

Edward chuckled in that maddeningly patronizing way that no one else ever seems to notice. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know," Bella replied, "I've just always kinda wondered…I mean, centuries to kill, days twice as long…there's got to be _something_ that keeps you occupied…"

"No, not that," he explained, "I mean about Harry Potter."

"Oh. That. Well, I was just wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Well, I've always been a great Harry Potter fan, and I was wondering…"

"Yes?" Edward is not redundant. Edward does not repeat himself many times over and over frequently with increasing abundancy copiously.

"You know how nobody is supposed to be able to find the Hogwarts castle?"

"Yes." Edward is not redundant. Edward does not repeat himself many times over and over frequently with increasing abundancy copiously.

"Caius…he has the power to find anybody, right?"

"Yes." Edward is not redundant. Edward does not repeat himself many times over and over frequently with increasing abundancy copiously pineapple.

"Well…if he were to, say…try and find Harry Potter…that would lead us straight to Hogwarts, wouldn't it?"

"Bella," Edward muttered, "You. Are. BRILLIANT! And for some reason, I have chosen your craziest scheme to not go overprotective and possessive about! Let's form an alliance with the Volturi and go to Hogwarts!"

"Yay!" Bella cried.

"We'll get straight to it tomorrow. But for now, go to sleep. You have a long, long road trip ahead of you."

"_Bed? Bed? I couldn't go to bed!_

_My head's too light to lay my body down!_

_Sleep? Sleep? I couldn't go to sleep!_

_Not for all the jewels in the_…road trip?"

"Yes," Edward replied, "Road trip. We'll have to go to Italy to convince Caius to find Hogwarts for us. And then we'll have to lay some ground rules for Aro, so he doesn't completely rearrange the Wizarding world with his flamboyancy."

"Oh. I didn't know there were roads that went across the Atlantic Ocean."

"Anything is possible if you just believe."

"Oh. Okay. 'Night."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Alice," said Bella, "get up. We're going to Italy to convince the Volturi to take us to Hogwarts."

"Awesome!" Alice sprang up from the couch, rebounded back down, sprang up again, ran around the room, and (while we're being OOC/cliché) ran to the nearest mall and bought a pair of shoes. "Jazzy," she yelled, "get down here! We're going to Italy to convince the Volturi to give a hog warts!"

"No," Edward corrected, "to take us to Hogwarts."

"Oh," said Alice. She contemplated this for a moment. "Ah well, same thing. Both would be impossible without magic. JAZZY!"

Jasper appeared.

"When is a hog not a hog?" he asked them.

"I don't know," Bella humored him "when is a hog not a hog?"

"When it has warts!" Jasper cracked up. The others stared at him. Then, Alice, pitying her poor husband, started laughing along with him. Then, out of politeness, Bella joined in. Then Edward joined in with Bella, because he's just chivalrous like that. Then Carlisle came downstairs.

"_What's the story, morning glory?  
What's the word, hummingbird_?" he sang in a surprisingly convincing falsetto.

"We're going on a trip," Alice informed him.

"A trip?"

"A trip."

"A trip?"

"A trip."

"Oh! A trip!"

"Yes. We're going to the wart of the hog to find the Volturi magic school."

"Oh!" Jasper exclaimed, "So THAT'S what's going on!"

"Pretty much," said Bella.

"Are you coming?" Alice asked Carlisle. She was bouncing.

"To Volterra, then to Hogwarts, right?"

"Yup!" She was bouncing faster now…

"Well," Carlisle looked thoughtful, "There are a few things to work out with Aro…and Dumbledore and I could always do with a chat…Okay! I'll go!"

"Yaaayyy!" Alice bounced. "ComeonBella. Timetopack!"

"Pack?" Bella looked confused.

"Yes. We can't go on a supernatural tour of the world without the right clothes!" Alice grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her up the stairs with…superhuman…speed…

When they got into the room, Alice immediately went to the closet, where she got out a rather small black bag and began throwing item after item of clothing into it. Bella watched for a while, then she finally said,

"Umm…Alice? Somehow I don't think all that stuff is going to fit…"

"Of course it is! This is a magic bag!"

"Really?"

"Yes, really! Anything can fit in it! I borrowed it from Mary Poppins."

"I didn't know she had a bag like that!"

"Of course she does. She's practically perfect in every way, you know." Alice finished emptying the contents of her closet into the bag, then dragged Bella to the ridiculously huge bathroom.

"Hey Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are we in here?" Alice rolled her eyes at Bella and gave her a disbelieving look.  
"We're going to Hogwarts," she explained, "you have to look your best!" Bella surveyed the counter, which overflowed with unnecessary and expensive beauty products.

"Why do you have all this stuff, anyway? In case you haven't noticed, Alice, you're already perfect."

"Hmmm…" said Alice, "How do I explain? Oh! I know!

_When I have a brand new hair-do_

_And my eyelashes all in curl_

_I float as the clouds on air do _

_I enjoy being a girl_

_When men say I'm cute and funny_

_And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearls_

_I just lap it up like honey_

_I enjoy being a girl_!" She finished singing and struck a pose, complete with jazz hands.

"Still," Bella muttered.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Meanwhile, back in the living room…

"Hey Emmett!" Edward called.

"Yeah?" Emmett appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

"We're going to Volterra to make Caius find Hogwarts for us. Want to come?"

"Hogwarts? Hells yes!" For no particular reason, Emmett pumped a fist in the air.

"Good," said Carlisle, "it's settled then. Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, you and I will all go to Hogwarts."

"What about Esme and Rose?" Emmett asked.

"Esme, as always, has got a lot to do around the house," Carlisle explained, "And as for Rose…well, I suppose she could come…if you want…might cause poor Hermione some trouble, though…"

"HEY ROSE!" Emmett called, "WE'RE GOING TO HOGWARTS!"

Rosalie appeared at the bottom of the stairs, a slight breeze stirring her silky hair, the theme of "I'm Not That Girl" from _Wicked_ playing behind her. "I'm in," she said.

"Excellent," Alice cheered, appearing in the room with an exhausted-looking Bella in tow. "Shall we go?"

"I'll miss you!" cried Esme, coming into the room from (for some weird reason) the kitchen.

"Ah, don't worry, Esme," said Emmett.

"Yeah, we'll be back in a heartbeat," added Edward with no trace of sarcasm.

"Well then…" Esme took a deep breath.

"_Cheerio, but be back soon!_

_Tally-ho, but bring back plenty!_

_I love ya, that's why I_

_Say cheerio, not goodbye_!" She finished her tap dance with a dramatic goodbye wave, standing in the doorway. The others were already in the driveway.

"Don't worry," Alice called, "We'll be back soon!"

"Yeah," Emmett said, "we'll be fine!"

"_We're off to see the wizard_," Bella elaborated,

"_The wonderful wizard of Hogwarts_!" Edward and Jasper joined in.

"_We hear he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a hog had warts_!" They linked elbows and skipped toward the car.

"_If ever, oh ever, a hog had warts_

_Then Hogwarts is a magical place_

_Because, because, because, because, because…_

_Because of all the magic there_!" The engine started. They got in and drove away. A chorus voiceover sang over the setting sun:

"_They're off to see the wizard_

_The wonderful wizard of Hogwarts_!"

A message was written in a flowy script over the blood-colored sky: "We are sorry for the inconvenience."

"Oh," said Esme to herself, "That's nice."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Will Caius take them to Hogwarts? Will Edward's overprotective nature kick in? Will Mary Poppins ever ask for her bag back? Find out in the next chapter!_

Any questions? Requests for songs? Feel the need to flame? Because really, I do love a good flame to make fun of! Regardless, tell me what ya think!


	2. Today 4 U

-insert author's note here-

_Cheerio, Mates!_

_This is the last Harry-free chapter, promise—next installment, we're goin' to Hogwarts!_

Hmm…I got a sad amount of reviews last time…maybe I should advertise this on my other fics…or better yet, just double-post it…and nobody likes double-posters do they? So REVIEW!

_That is all._

Chapter Two: Today 4 U

The group made their way through the airport, failing miserably at being inconspicuous. Six beautiful vampires and one human girl who (so far) had tripped over the toes of her own sneakers no less than seven times—they weren't exactly easy to miss.

"So…what gate are we a-AAH!" Bella tried to ask, managing to trip over the ONLY banana peel in the ENTIRE airport. Edward caught her just in time.

"Boy, you sure are clumsy today, Bella," Emmett remarked, stifling a chuckle.

"Thanks, Emmett," Bella replied sarcastically. The effect was somewhat ruined, however, when she tripped over a bump in the air, almost fell to the ground, was caught by Edward, tripped over Edward, and fell flat on her back.

"Gosh," said Emmett, "it's almost like someone needs to teach her how to walk!" Edward and Bella both glared at Emmett, but he wouldn't let the joke go.

"Look," said Emmett patronizingly,

"_Put one foot in front of the other,_

_And soon you'll be movin' 'cross the flo-o-or!_

_Put one foot in front of the other_

_And soon you'll be walkin' out the door_!"

Alice and Rosalie burst simultaneously into high-pitched giggles. Carlisle looked on disapprovingly.

"Emmett," he said, "we don't need this. In case you hadn't noticed, people are staring at us."

"Exactly!" Emmett exclaimed, "they were staring at us because Bella didn't know how to walk! It's ridiculous, a person not knowing how to walk! You're lucky I taught her!"

Bella continued to pseudo-walk, trying to maintain a dignified silence while simultaneously not tripping or laughing. In the end, she exploded with a gale of laughter that blew her off her feet. She struggled in the air for a moment, Wile E. Coyote style, before landing flat on her back again.

Rosalie was laughing rather cruelly.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"I'm bored," Bella declared.

They had been in the air for over seven hours so far.

"Er…" said Edward. He leaned over to Jasper and whispered, "What do I do?"

"_Make 'em laugh_," Jasper replied,

"_Make 'em laugh,_

_Don't ya know, everyone wants to laugh_!"

"Right then," said Edward. "Bella?"

"What?" she replied dejectedly.

"Knock knock." She looked at him.

"Who's there?" she sighed.

"You know."

"You know who?"

"Exactly! _Avada Kedavra_!"

Alice laughed. Bella did not.

"You shouldn't joke about these things, Edward. Not when you know they're real."

"Wow," Emmett muttered, "Bella sure gets cranky when she's bored!"

"Well, Emmett," Bella snapped, "not all of us are so talented at entertaining ourselves."

"Aw, Bella!" Emmett complained,

"_Gray skies are gonna clear up,_

_Put on a happy face_

_Brush off the clouds and cheer up,_

_Put on a happy face._

_Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,_

_It's not your style_

_You'll look so good that you'll be glad_

_Ya' decide to smile!"_

"Meh," said Bella, settling against Edward's shoulder for a nap.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

"Well, this is it," said Carlisle.

"Volterra, Italy," Jasper affirmed.

"It's beautiful," whispered Bella.

From all around, voices filtered in.

"_One short day in the vampire city_," they sang.

"Oh!" shouted Bella, "I've always wanted to see the vampire city!"

"_One short day in the vampire city_

_One short day full of so much to do_

_Every way that you look in the city_

_A vamp wants to anoint you_

_Or sometimes exploit you_

_Before the day's through_!"

"_There are buildings tall as three-story malls_," sang Alice,

"_Foreboding castles and birdie calls_," Bella added,

"_Bloodsuckers! The damned! A hundred strong_," Edward reminded them.

The music ground to a halt.

"Aw, Edward," Emmett complained, "my solo was coming up!"

"In that case," Edward retorted, "maybe it's a good thing I stopped it when I did."

"Oh, quit your bickering," Carlisle ordered. "Remember what we're here for."

"Right," Alice agreed, "Let's go and visit the vampire mafia!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The troupe met up with Felix, Jane and Alec, who proceeded to lead them through the maze of stone corridors leading to the castle, Jane darkly singing,

"_Down once more to the dungeon of my dark despair,_

_Down we plunge to the prison of my mind,_

_Down once more to that darkness deep as he_—"

"Jane, darling?" Alec interrupted, taking his sister's hand, "Do you think you could refrain from all that muttering about? At least while we have guests present?"

"I thought it sounded quite wonderful. Nice forbidding tone, don't you think? Sort of…ominous." Jane glared first at Felix, who nodded hurriedly, then at her brother, who shook his head.

"_There's a hole in the world like a deep black pit,_

_And it's filled with people who are filled with shit_"—she looked pointedly at Alec,

"_And the vermin of the world inhabit it_…"

Alec slapped Jane. "No Sondheim," he scolded. "Not with guests in the house."

Finally they reached the lobby, where, to the Cullens (plus Bella)'s surprise, the human secretary Gianna remained—alive—in the secretary's chair.

"Oh!" Gianna leapt up from her seat and turned to Alec. "Are they going to see Aro?" Alec nodded. Gianna turned to the rest of the party.

"Welcome back—Dr. Cullen, right? Have a seat, all of you—they'll be ready for you in a moment." They sat, Bella clinging nervously to Edward.

"Can I offer you a drink?" Gianna asked Bella, who in turn shot Edward a questioning look.

"It's okay," he murmured.

"Of course it is!" said Gianna, putting on a French accent,

"_Be our guests! Be our guests! Put our service to the test!_

_We've got cold soda, it's delicious_

_We stick to our little niches_

_Aro rules,_

_Jane looks bored_

_Felix is the bodyguard_

_Marcus grumbles, Caius complains,_

_Heidi brings them human dumplings_

_But don't worry!_

_Hey, relax!_

_They will feed on other snacks,_

_Because while we are your hosts_

_We will stick right to our posts_

_You are safe_

_While you're here _

_Be our guests_!"

"Wow," said Rosalie, "that was unnecessary. Is that why they kept you? Because of your singing voice? 'Cuz if I were them, I'd've eaten you long ago…"

"Rose!" Emmett chided.

"That's okay," said Gianna, "I get that a lot."

"I apologize for my wife," Emmett stage-whispered to her. "I think she was PMS-ing when she got changed."

It was Bella's turn to laugh rather cruelly.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

They waited. And waited. And waited. Just when Bella was about to get up to pee for the third time, one of the sundress-ed vampire ladies who have no names, lines or designated actions in the books came up to Gianna's desk. They whispered together for a moment. The vampire giggled. It went on for a while. Finally, she left, and Gianna called,

"They're ready for you!" to the Cullens (plus Bella). Gianna led them through the _other_ endless expanse of corridors, into the tower room.

Upon seeing them, Aro rose grandly from his throne, spreading his arms magnanimously and smiling adverb.

"Friends—"

"What," interrupted Emmett, "no introductory number?"

"Oh," Aro smiled, "Oh, I shall have my moment in the spotlight. But now is not the time."

"Oh, come on," Gianna begged, "I've already had my solo!"

"Yes, well," Aro grinned again, "Today for you, tomorrow for me." He turned back to the Cullens (plus Bella). "So, what can I do for you today?"

"Well," said Carlisle, "Bella here—"

"Ah, yes," Aro cut in, "The human girl, whom you have so oddly chosen as the object of your protection. As I have said, _La tua cantan_—"

"We don't need you to wax poetic about her blood, thank you," Edward interrupted tersely.

"Stop being so emo, Edward," Alice said, "we need them on our side."

"Anyway…" said Carlisle, glaring significantly at his children (plus Bella), "We were thinking of…paying a visit to Hogwarts."

"Ah, Hogwarts!" Aro sighed, staring nostalgically at the ceiling, "A true temple of magical education! Why, there were times when—"

"Enough," said Caius quietly. "I suppose you want me to find it for you, huh?"

"Well, Caius, it would be lovely if—" but Aro cut Carlisle off again.

"Of course you will find it for us! A visit to Hogwarts is nothing short of necessary! So many old friends to visit—why, I can't remember how many years it's been since I've seen Dumbledore!"

"And we can't remember how many years it's been since you've washed," Jane muttered darkly.

"Oh, Jane darling!" Aro pinched her cheek. "Won't you come to Hogwarts with us?"

"What's in it for me?"

"Er…a magical wonderland of magic and hope and wonder?"

"No thank you."

"A sadistic Death Eater bent on torturing the Light Side into madness one by one?"

"Maybe…on one condition."

"Name it, dear, and it shall be yours!"

"Everybody present swears on the blood of the unsuspecting tourists of Italy NEVER to call me 'dear' or 'darling' or use any term of endearment in reference to me, myself, I, or Jane Volturi."

"Right then!" Aro clapped. "Everybody raise their right hand and repeat after me!" They obliged. "Right. I swear on the blood of the unsuspecting tourists of Italy, that I shall never call Jane Volturi 'dear' or—Bella, why don't you have your hand raised?" Everybody stared at Bella, who glared pointedly at Jane.

"Do you really think it's necessary to make me swear not to use any terms of endearment on…_that?_" Jane sneered venomously.

"Now, now, children," Aro reproached, "none of that. Continue to repeat after me. –'darling' or use any other term of endearment on her, so help me Shakespeare." They finished repeating, except for Emmett, who obnoxiously questioned,

"Shakespeare?"

"Oh, yes!" Aro exclaimed, "Shakespeare is my idol! Nothing whiles away the centuries like deciphering the free verse of such an extraordinary writer! It never gets tiresome! Because, you know, since his writing made no more sense to the people of the Elizabethan era than it does to the new generation, there's just so much room for interp—"

"Caius," Marcus drawled, "Will you find Hogwarts, and save us this soporific prattle?"

"Gladly," was Caius' reply. He closed his eyes, concentrated for a moment, and then opened them again. "I think we have our heading!" he shouted.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Will Marcus and Caius kill 'em with sarcasm? Will Jane be displeased? Will Hogwarts survive Aro Volturi? Will the Hogwarts girls survive Edward Cullen? Find out next time on_ Harry Potter and the Eclipse of the Crossover: A Musical Comedy Thriller.


	3. The Hogwarts Variations

Well, it's that time again

Well, it's that time again. Time to cast aside the realm of the boring (er, possible) to lose our selves in some musical crossover madness! When we left off last, Caius was quoting Captain Jack Sparrow, and things aren't getting any more snane from there, folks!

Chapter Three: The Hogwarts Variations

Aro, Marcus, Caius, Jane, Alec, Felix, and the Cullens (plus Bella) stood just outside the gates of the famed magic school. The air was crisp and filled with the chirping of a bunch of manic crickets.

Carlisle spread his arms wide.

"_I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders, _

_From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru,_

_But there's no place like Hogwarts!_"

The others stared at him. Aro looked very much like he wanted to join in, but muttered to himself, "no, no, now is not my time…"

"Right then," muttered Marcus.

"What year are we in?" Bella wondered.

"I think this is fourth year," Alice replied.

"Why do you say that?" wondered Jasper.

"Because," Alice explained, "I can see the Beauxbatons carriage over there. Well, that, and I definitely sense the presence of Cedric Diggory here…" Jasper looked at her. "Not to worry, Jazzy," she added hastily, "there's no competition…" he put his arm around her protectively anyway.

"…Beauxbatons…" Bella muttered to herself.

Just then, a distant lantern light appeared through the mist.

"Look!" Bella shouted,

"_There's a light_"—

"_Over at the Hog-a-warts place!_" Jasper interjected in a rocker's falsetto.

"_There's a ligh-igh-igh-igh-ight_," Bella, Alice and Rosalie chorused,

"_Burning in the fireplace_," Carlisle continued,

"_There's a ligh-igh-ight, ligh-igh-ight_," the girls sang,

"_In the darkness_," Edward solo'd, "_of everybody's life!_"

They all turned to watch the lantern. It bobbed slowly toward them, taking its own sweet, blurry time. They waited…and waited…and waited…and waited…and waited…and waited…and waited…and waited…and waited…and waited…eventually, the massive form of Rubeus Hagrid became visible.

"'Ello, there, Dr. Cullen!" he boomed, finally close enough to the group of vampires (plus Bella) to be seen.

"Good evening, Hagrid," Carlisle replied politely. "These are my family"—he gestured to the other Cullens (plus Bella)—"and I'm sure you remember Aro, Marcus, Caius, Jane and Alec Volturi."

"Yes, of course! 'Ello, there!" beamed the gamekeeper. He turned to Carlisle. "An' wha' exactly are you all doin' here?" he asked amiably.

"Just dropping by for a visit," Carlisle explained. "Bella's never seen the castle."

"Oh." Hagrid grinned. "Well, follow me, then."

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Hogwarts students milled about the great hall, singing:

"_O, numerous halls and great stone walls,_

_The proudliest sight there is…_

_When grey and bearded like our headmaster,_

_Still embedded in our minds like plaster_

_Will be the lessons from dear old Hogwarts_

_The lessons from dear old_"—here Fleur Delacour entered, singing,

"_Bea-ux-ba-a-a-a-toooons_!" The students glared at her,

"_Dear old Hogwartssssssss_," they finished.

The vampires (plus Bella) entered, escorted by Hagrid.

"Wow," breathed Bella, "hormonal teenagers in scratchy black robes with magic amplifying their angst, watched over by old and/or sour teachers! It's everything I ever dreamed it would be!"

Aro took a deep breath. "It's so wonderful to be here!" he enthused.

"Can we meet the Trio?" Bella asked Edward excitedly, looking up with eyes he couldn't resist.

"Sure. Gryffindor table's over there." They walked up to it. There were the Trio, sitting at the table and deep in conversation.

"Hello," said Bella a little loudly, causing Hermione to jump and hastily hide her _Daily Prophet_ under her soup bowl, "I'm Bella Swan. Who are you?" Hermione soon regained her composure and sang in her strong alto voice,

"_I am the very model of a modern Hogwarts student girl,_

_I study quite a lot and watch Gryffindor flags unfurl,_

_In fact, in matters magical, herbological and clinical,_

_I am the very model of a modern Hogwarts student girl!_"

The Trio rotated and Ron came to the front of the group, bobbing on his knees.

"_I am the very model of a modern Hogwarts student boy_," he sang,

"_I despise Potions and procrastinate with joy,_

_In short, in matters Quidditchal, sarcastical and cynical,_

_I am the very model of a modern Hogwarts student boy._"

Finally, it was Harry's turn. I really cannot accurately describe what a lovely bass voice he had.

"_I am the very model of a modern wizarding hero,_

_I fight a lot of battles and I have a villainous archfoe_

_In short, in matters drammatical, angstical and protagonistical,_

_I am the very model of a modern wizarding hero_!"

Bella clapped.

"Look at the ginger! Isn't he cute! Awwee, the little singing ginger!" Hermione, Ron, Harry and Edward all gave her quizzical stares.

"Hello," Edward said to Hermione, holding out his hand, "I'm Edward Cullen." Unfortunately, he made the mistake of breathing on her. Hermione tried to take his hand, but instead sighed weakly and melted to the floor in a dead faint.

"Hermione!" yelled Ron, falling to his knees next to her, "Hermione, speak to me!" he glared up at Edward. "Oh, great. Look what you've done! This is worse than the time she became a werecat!"

"Aww," Bella crooned, "Ginger's upset! Does Ginger need a hug?"

"Get a load o' this one, mate," Ron whispered to Harry, "Reckon she's cracked in the head?"

"Likely," Harry agreed.

Meanwhile, Alice had dragged Jasper over to the Hufflepuff table, where Cedric Diggory's existence smoldered like a warning sign to all boyfriends present.

"…and what if I completely fail? I just want to show everyone that Hufflepuffs are underrated…" Cedric was lamenting.

"Oh, don't worry about it," one of his fellow Hufflepuffs comforted,

"_Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Cedric,_

_Looking so down in the dumps,_

_Every guy here'd like to be you, Cedric,_

_The Triwizard everything trumps_!" Here, Hannah Abbot cut in,

"_There's no guy in Hogwarts as hot as you are,_

_You're every girl's favorite guy_!" "Yeah," another of Cedric's friends agreed,

"_And I wouldn't say you should worry too far,_

_It's not like you're going to die_!"

"Thanks, guys," Cedric said, smiling a little, "But I don't think you're quite…"

"Alright," said the first friend, "everybody together now!" A chorus of Hufflepuffs sang,

"_No one's slick as Cedric,_

_No one's quick as Cedric,_

_No one's magic has quite as much kick as Cedric's_!"

"_Oh, there's no boy in school half as manly_," sang Susan Bones,

"_And even when crossing the lawn,_

_You can ask any girls who act fanly,_

_And they'll tell you whose good books they wish they were on_," Justin Finch-Fletchley added.

"_'Cause nooo ooone's smooth like Cedric_

_So we can sooth Cedric_

_That no one's gonna make Hufflepuff groove like Cedric_!" Here Cedric got into the swing of things:

"_As an opponent, yes, I'm intimidating_!" Beautiful tenor. Almost a rival to Edward's.

"_Ah, what a guy_," chorused the Hufflepuffs, "_Cedriiiiiiiiic_!"

Alice clapped, and Cedric turned toward her.

"Hi," she said to him, "I'm Alice Cullen. I can see the future, and I would advise you not to"—Jasper clamped his hand over her mouth—"memter meh miwimward mourmamem," Alice peeled the hand away from her lips, "—because you're going to"—the hand was back—"mie," she finished. Jasper glared at her. "What?" she whispered, "I like the character, I didn't want him to…_mie_." Jasper rolled his eyes.

"I'm Jasper," he informed Cedric, with a perhaps unwarranted measure of coldness.

"Cedric," Cedric answered, looking thoroughly bamboozled, "Cedric Diggory."

Just then, Edward heard the theme of "Once Upon a Dream" from _Sleeping Beauty_ in Alice's head and realized what was going on. He dashed over to the table, followed by Bella, who was followed by Harry and Ron, who were dragging Hermione behind them.

"Hey, Alice," Edward said, taking her sister's shoulder, "What d'you say we…er…go meet Dumbledore?"

"Okay!" she chirped, skipping toward the high table, "Bye, Cedric!"

Cedric waved dazedly.

Meanwhile, Emmett and Rosalie had gone over to the Ravenclaw table, as Emmett was a huge Luna Lovegood fan. However, there was someone in their way…

"'Ello," throated Fleur Delacour, sailing right past Rosalie to where Emmett was standing, "I'm Fleur." She held out her hand, tossing her silvery hair. Rosalie tossed her golden locks in retaliation, looking affronted.

"And I'm Rosalie Hale," Rosalie interrupted, gliding between Fleur and Emmett and taking Fleur's hand in an unnecessarily tight grip. "And this is my husband, Emmett."

The girls continued to stare each other down for a moment, before a few notes played and they looked away, right on the beat.

"_What eez theez feelink, so sudden and new?_" Fleur sang.

"_I felt the moment I laid eyes on you_," Rosalie bitched,

"_My pulse is rushink_!" Fleur added.

"_My head is reeling_!" Rosalie informed her.

"_My face eez flushink_!" Fleur gasped.

"_What is this feeling_?" they sang in unison,

"_Fervent as a flame_

_Does it have a name?_

_Yeeee-eeeeeeessss!_

_Loathing! Unadulterated loathing_!"

"_For your face_," sang Fleur,

"_Your voice_," Rosalie retaliated,

"_Your clothing_," Fleur added,

"_Let's just say_," they chorused,

"_I loathe it all! _

_Every little trait, however small,_

_Makes my very flesh begin to crawl_

_With simple utter loathing!_

_There's a strange exhileration_"

"_In such total detestation_," Fleur spoken-worded,

"_It's so pure, so strong_!" Rosalie belted.

"_Though I do admit it came on fast,_

_Still, I do believe that it can last,_

_And I will be loathing_"—

"_For forever_," Rosalie interjected,

"_Loathing_," they sang,

"_Troolee, deeply_," Fluer added,

"_Loathing youuuuuuuuu_

_My whole life long_!"

By this time, the majority of the Hogwarts student body was watching this mega-beauty bitchfight.

"Students," Dumbledore cried from the staff table, calling them to order, "I have an announcement to make." Most people looked up at where Dumbledore stood, but Fleur and Rosalie continued to glare at each other."

"As some of you are undoubtedly already aware," Dumbledore twinkled, "My good friends Carlisle Cullen and Aro Volturi have joined us. They will be staying for a few weeks. With them are Carlisle's children Edward, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett and Aro's companions Marcus, Caius, Jane, Alec and Felix. Please make them feel at home!" Everyone turned around to gossip, but Dumbledore held up his hands, signaling that he wasn't finished yet.

"This, of course, requires some adjustments in sleeping arrangements." Everyone was staring at him now. "There is space for Edward and Bella in the Gryffindor dormitories, and for Alice and Jasper in the Hufflepuff. Carlisle will be provided for, and Professor Karkaroff has agreed to make room for Aro and his companions on the Durmstrang ship. Likewise, Madame Maxime has kindly acquiesced to host Rosalie and Emmett on the Beaxbatons ship. I trust you will all make your new companions feel welcome!"

Hermione and Ginny walked up to Rosalie.

"_How can poor Rosalie, forced to reside,_

_With someone so beautiful get by?_

_We just want to tell you,_

_We're all on your side!_

We share your loathing

_Unadulterated loathing_

_For this French girl and her clothing!_

_Let's just say,_

_We understand!_

_Everything from her hair to her sweet hand_

_Is threatening to come and steal our man_

_So we feel this loathing_!"

"_There's such strange exhilaration_," chorused the boys who were watching,

"_In a bitchfight of this nature_!"

"_It's so pure, so strooong_!" Fleur and Rosalie chorused,

"_Though we do admit it came on fast,_

_Still we do believe that it can last_

_And I will be loathing,_

_For forever,_

_Loathing,_

_Truly, deeply,_

_Loathing heeeerrrrr_

_My whole life long_!" The music ended, and Rosalie turned to Fleur.

"Boo," she whispered.

"Augh!" Fleur shouted throatily.

"Toast?" Ron offered Rosalie, looking thoroughly dazed.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Well, there it is._

_Now, lately I've had lots of reviewers suggest that I list the songs I'm using, and I think that's a good idea. I've got a bit of catching up to do, so here goes:_

_Chapter one:_

_Bella sings a snatch of "Crazy" from Company. She then sings from "I Could Have Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady. Carlisle sings a bit of "The Telephone Hour" from Bye Bye Birdie. Alice sings from "I Enjoy Being a Girl"—I don't know what show that's from. Esme sings from "Be Back Soon" from Oliver! And the closing number is, obviously, from The Wizard of Oz._

_Chapter Two:_

_Emmett sings "One Foot in Front of The Other" from that one Santa Claus movie with the puppets. Jasper sings "Make 'Em Laugh" from Singin' in the Rain. Emmett sings "Put On a Happy Face" from Bye Bye Birdie. The ensemble sings a modified version of "One Short Day" from Wicked. Jane sings snatches from The Phantom of the Opera and Sweeney Todd. Gianna sings "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast._

_This chapter:_

_Carlisle sings from "No Place Like London" from Sweeney Todd. The ensemble sings "Over at the Frankenstein Place" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The Hogwarts students sing "Dear Old Shiz" from Wicked. The trio sing "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from The Pirates of Penzance. The Hufflepuffs sing "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast. Finally, Fleur, Rosalie and co sing "What Is This Feeling?" from Wicked._

_And, because this chapter hasn't gone on long enough, I have a special treat for you! M'good friend Raven (Shadow.Raven.x) has written a Twilight-related parody of "Barbie Girl." Since I couldn't fit it into the story, I asked for permission to paste it into the author's note, and she agreed…_

_Edward: Hiya, Bella!_

_Bella: Hi, Edward!_

_Edward: You wanna go for a ride?_

_Bella: Sure, but don't go too fast! (My dad's a cop, y'know)_

_Edward: gulp Jump in!_

_Bella: I'm a vampire girl, in the vampire world._

_Life in granite,_

_Best on the planet!_

_Edward: You can touch my hair,_

_But don't undress me anywhere._

_I could kill you,_

_'Cause your blood smells so good!_

_Jessica: I'm a blonde, bimbo girl,_

_In the dreary Forks world,_

_Dress me right, I fancy Mike,_

_Wanna party!_

_Mike: Come jump in, bimbo girl,_

_I love Bella's curls,_

_But you'll do instead,_

_Though I am gay!_

_Bella: You can run,_

_You can fight,_

_If you're ALWAYS in my sight._

_Edward: Protect Bella, protect Bella..._

_Bella: Ah, ah, ah, JACOB!_

_Edward: Go kill Jacob, go kill Jacob..._

_Bella: Ah, ah, ah, NO!_

_Edward: Okay fine then, okay fine then..._

_Bella: I'm shy! I'm shy!_

_Yeah. It's still in the works. Good, though, eh? Props to Raven!_


	4. Omigod, You Guys!

Chapter Four: Omigod, You Guys

_First of all, I just wanted you guys to know that I love you all. I'd love you maybe a teensy bit more if you reviewed—it's what all my favorites do—but I still love you! Besides, you wouldn't want to get called author's pet or anything…-grumbles-_

_Also, you may have noticed that I took a few liberties with the minor details of Goblet of Fire's plot. Please forgive me. I mean, it's not like any of you actually remember what house the Gryffindors had DADA with fourth year, anyway…right? RIGHT?_

Thirdbird, I think you all should know that my grandmothers got together this weekend and ganged up on me. And got my pen name. And are probably reading my reviews right now. So, please, kids, keep it granddaughter-friendly. And…if you're reading this, HI GRANDMA/MEMA!

**Chapter Four: Omigod, You Guys!**

Edward and Bella were sitting in the common room the next morning, cuddling in their usual lovey-dovey haze before accompanying the Gryffindors to the day's classes, when Lavender Brown burst into the room.

"_Omigod, omigod, you guys_!" she sang,

"_Look's like Cedric's gonna win the prize_

_When playing Quidditch against those freaky Cullen guys!_

_Omigod, you guys_!"

Bella and Edward broke out of their haze to stare at her.

"What do you mean?" Bella asked inevitably.

Lavender rolled her eyes at Bella's ignorance and read from a random scroll:

"_Dear Edward, we will be playing _

_That one wizard game_

_To challenge the Hufflepuff team!_

_Cedric's got it coming for sure_

_If the points we get are more_

_Than that dumb idiot can glean!_

_So meet us on the green_!"

"Erm…where'd you get that scroll?" Bella asked.

Lavender rolled her eyes again. "It's just a prop. But that was a note from that one guy…what's his name…the hot blonde one? I think he's a little overprotective of his girlfriend…the short one? It's too bad he's whipped, he's gorgeous…"

"Jasper," Edward muttered.

"Lemme guess," Bella said, "Jasper feels threatened by Alice's affection for Cedric, so he feels the need to out-man him by beating him at his own sport."

"Wow, Bella," Edward approved, "you're unusually perceptive today!"

"Thanks."

"So what classes do we have this morning?" Random Gryffindor 4th Year asked.

"Um…Defense Against the Dark Arts with Moody, then Potions with Snape," replied Random Gryffindor 4th year #2.

"And then at lunch time is the Quidditch match!" Lavender interjected.

"SQUEE!" Squeed the first-years, many of whom had never seen a quidditch match. Or a vampire. Or a vampire-on-wizard musical Quidditch match.

"What house do we have Dark Arts with?" Bella wondered, unable to remember.

"Hufflepuffs," Replied Random Gryffindor 4th Year #3 –male-.

"And Potions?" Edward wondered.

"…Slytherins," Random Gryffindor 4th year #3 –female- replied in her best _duh_ voice. "We have it with them, like, every year. Cuz we, like, have to or something. It's an unwritten rule."

"Technically," Hermione interjected, "It's a _written_ rule"—

"Oh, shut your gob, Hermione, nobody wants to hear your smarticle jabbering," Lavender interjected intelligently.

"Lol strayt up 4rlz!" Parvati agreed, high-fiving Lavender.

-later, in Moody's classroom-

Jasper steered a rather dreamy-looking Alice toward the table where Edward and Bella were sitting (middle column, back row. Not that we recognize this spot, or anything). The class gradually came in, took their seats, gossiped about the Weird Sisters, et cetera. After a while they started to wonder where the teacher was, but none of them (except Bella) much cared.

Which is why they all screamed when Moody appeared out of nowhere at the back of the room and shouted "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" at the top of his lungs.

"AAAAH! THAT WAS SCARY! COOL, CAN WE DO IT AGAIN?" Bella squealed.

Moody looked at her witheringly, which was very effective what with his gnarled appearance and wonky eye. She stopped squealing and grabbed Edward's hand under the table.

"Now class," Moody began in a threatening tone…

An hour later, Bella was out of breath, slightly charred, and completely in love with life.

"…and that thing he did, with the wand and the magic? SO cool! I mean, completely…could you believe it? Was that not the best thing ever? That was just so…" she trucked on as the others began to ignore her.

"Wow," Alice commented, "that is the most I've heard Bella talk at once. Ever."

"I think Moody put a Jibbering Curse on her," Edward said with concern.

"Yeah," Jasper agreed, "He did kinda hit her extra-hard. I think it had to do with the squealing bit at the beginning of class…"

Just then, Moody appeared in the doorway of the classroom. "Potter!" he called. The aforementioned jumped out of his sacred skins.

"…wha?" Harry muttered.

"Can I have a word in my office?" Harry nodded nervously and followed.

Bella was suddenly alert. "Is this the part where he tells Harry about the dragons? I thought that happened right after the"—

"You're not going to miss this just because it doesn't happen, are you?" Fred, who had just popped up out of nowhere, questioned incredulously.

"Yeah, have an Extendable Ear, mate!" George encouraged, popping up next to Fred.

Bella took the piece of flesh-colored string apprehensively. "Where did…? And aren't you…? You don't invent these until…?" she rambled.

"We can't give away the tricks of our trade, mate," Fred informed her.

"But trust us," George continued,

"There's a madness to our method," they said in unison, and then disappeared.

"Ah-hem," said Jasper.

"Well," said Bella.

"That was strange," said Edward.

"WHAT ARE YOU FOOLS WAITING FOR?" Alice asked. They went to stand outside the door of Moody's office and fed the piece of string under the door.

"…help? I'm not allowed a broom!" Harry was saying.

"But you're allowed a wand!" Moody replied.

"And wot exactly am I supposed to do with that?"

"Listen closely, Potter, because I'm going to give you some of my best advice," Moody informed Harry.

"And wot's that?"

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

Bedward and Jalice could practically hear the glare Harry was giving Moody.

"Anything helpful?" he asked stonily.

"Well, there is this…" Moody admitted,

"_Give 'em the old razzle dazzle…_" Moody had a bass voice too. Not nearly as lovely as Harry's, but quite nice.

_Razzle Dazzle 'em_

_Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it_

_And the reaction will be passionate_

_Give 'em the old hocus pocus_

_Bead and feather 'em_

_How can they see with sequins in their eyes?_"

"Er," Harry interjected, "Professor…"

"_What if your hinges all are rusting?" _Moody continued, ignoring him,

_What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?_

_Razzle dazzle 'em_

_And they'll never catch wise!"_

"Oh," said Harry, "I get it now!" And he joined in with Moody:

"_Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle_

_Razzle dazzle 'em_

_Show 'em the first rate sorceror you are_

_Long as you keep 'em way off balance_

_How can they spot you've got no talents?_

_Razzle Dazzle 'em_

_Razzle Dazzle 'em_

_Razzle Dazzle 'em" _The last line was Moody's solo:

"_And they'll make you a star!_"

"Thank you, Professor!" said Harry, "It all makes sense now!" And he turned to leave the room.

"Oh," Moody shouted after him, "Potter?"

"Yes, Professor?"

"A summoning charm would work, too."

"Thank you, Professor!" And with that, Harry headed into the hall, where he ran straight into Bella, Edward, Alice and Jasper.

"Oh!" he said in surprise, "Hey."

"Hello," Edward and Jasper chorused.

"Hi there!" Alice greeted cheerfully.

"Hi," Bella said to him, grinning madly.

"Er…I was just…heading to…potions…d'you guys know the way?"

"Actually," Jasper began, "We're with the Huff"—

"Nowedon'tknowthewaycouldyoushowus!" Bella interrupted.

"Er…right then." And they headed off to Potions, Alice and Jasper going the opposite direction.

In Potions, Edward and Bella got a surprise: at the back table were Emmett and Rosalie, the former looking buoyant and the latter looking far from gruntled.

"Hello," Bella said to them as she and Edward took the table to their right, "Why are you here?"

"They got sick of the Beauxbatons carriage, so they decided to see what our classes were like," Edward explained.

"We got sick of the Beaxbatons carriage, so we decided to see what your classes were like," Emmett explained.

And then Snape oozed in, and all conversation among students was stifled by his grease.

"Today," he announced, "We will work on sleeping draughts. At the end of the class, we will be testing one student's on another's, so I suggest you all do your best." He looked from Malfoy to Bella and back again. Edward snarled. "Proceed," Snape greased. He turned to swish to his desk, but Emmett's hand was raised.

"You," Snape sighed in acknowledgement.

"Me?" Emmett clarified.

"No, the other disgustingly brawny vampire in the room."

"Oh." Emmett put his hand down, looked around, and then put his hand back up. "I have a question, too."

"Then ask it," Snape resigned in his best I-hate-teaching voice.

"Why are you such a killjoy?" Emmett asked Professor Snape.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Snape oozed.

"No, I'm serious. Why do you hate it so much when students have fun? Why shouldn't they enjoy school? Why are the Slytherins your favorites? Why do you always pick on the Gryffindors? Why are you so emo, in general? Why don't you ever wash your hair? Why is it you're so good at"—

"Yeah," Bella suddenly piped up, "Why don't you wash your hair? Are you aware that your personal hygiene nauseates your students?"

"You could really do with a good conditioner," Rosalie agreed. "I'd recommend Rusk Defensive. I've read about it, see, and"—

"I don't need conditioner that badly," Snape argued.

"You totally do," Bella disagreed.

"Well, at least I'm nice to the Slytherins," he oozed defensively.

"But the other three-fourths of the school…" Emmett contradicted.

"I'm a good Potions teacher!" Snape said sharply.

"Yeah," the Slytherins agreed in obnoxiously bratty voices.

"But why," Emmett pressed on, "When you've been in love with"—but Snape cut him off.

"_I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me_!" Snape sang in a very high falsetto.

"_He's just a poor boy, from a poor family_," the Slytherins chorused.

"But you're a Dea"—Bella began, but then Snape showed his Dark Mark.

"_Spare him his life from this monstrosity_!" the Slytherins begged.

"Oh my god!" Emmett screamed, "Snape's a Death Eater! Get 'im!" And with that, he dashed across the room and tackled Snape.

"_Mama Mia_," Snape sang even higher, "_Mama Mia, let me go_!"

"But what I don't understand," Edward muttered, "Is…"

"_Beezlebub has a devil put aside for me_!" Snape lamented.

"Ah," Edward muttered again, "that explains everything."

"…?" Bella queried.

" 'Bohemian Rhapsody' holds all the answers to life," Edward explained.

"Ah," Bella agreed, nodding intelligently.

Just then, Snape went back to his normal voice and shouted, "Get off me!"

"Oh," Emmett meeped, "sorry." He released the headlock he had Snape in and retreated a few steps.

"And you wonder why I hate kids," Snape muttered.

"Aw, come on," Emmett complained, "You don't hate us that much!"

"Ah, but I do, Mr. Cullen. Please take your seat." Emmett went back to his desk, but instead of sitting down he sat on top of it. There was music, and he began:

"Live from Hogwarts, this is Emmett Cullen saying…

_Hey, Potions man, hey, Slyther-an,_

_You have your glum style, but brother,_

_You're never fully dressed without a smile!_

_Your cloak may be black as midnight_

_It stands out a mile, but brother,_

_You're never fully dressed without a smile!_

_Who cares what they're wearing_

_In Beauxbatons or Durmstrang row?_

It's what you wear from ear to ear

_And not from head to toe_

_That ma_"—And here, just before the finale, Snape cut him off.

"Mr. Cullen, in my office now. We will work out the details of your detention."

"Aww," Emmett complained to Edward, Bella and Rosalie, "I thought I had him! 'Fully Dressed' almost always works!" Edward sighed.

"That's right, Emmett," Rosalie encouraged, "Your dream world is what I love most about you." She beamed as he walked out of the classroom. "That's my husband," she informed them.

Bella leaned over and whispered to Edward, "I will never understand…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_First of all, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to use more songs in this one…you may have noticed there was a lot of setup required. Don't worry, though; I'll fix that next chapter ___

_Songs for this chapter were "Omigod You Guys" from Legally Blonde: The Musical, "Razzle Dazzle" from Chicago, "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen (yes, I know it's not from a musical. But find me anything campier and I will gladly admit I was wrong to use it), and "Fully Dressed" from Annie. Next chapter, I guarantee plenty of Cullen-related madness, and action-packed quidditch sequence, a questioning of Aro Volturi, and the revelation of a Dumbledore-related secret!_


	5. Defying Gravity

Chapter Five

First and foremost, I would like to place full blame for the middle number on my friend oO-Alice-Cullen-Oo, because it was her idea, and I put it in there as a special favor to her. And, consequentially, I'd like to apologize for the length of this chapter. But, c'mon—you know you love it anyway! Reviews are much appreciated; don't think that just because you've reviewed previous chapters you can slack off now ;)!

Chapter Five: Defying Gravity

The entirety of Hogwarts was gathered on at the Quidditch field, it seemed. The Cullens were gathered in the locker-room-thingy, all of them wearing Quidditch robes. Well, all except Bella, who was currently in the bathroom.

"Alright," said Carlisle, who was of course the team captain, "So are we clear on who's playing what?"

"Edward is Seeker," Emmett volunteered, "you're Keeper, Alice, Rosalie and Jasper are chasers, and I'm the Beater."

"Doesn't a Quidditch team need two Beaters?" Bella called from somewhere.

"Silly Bella," Emmett chuckled, "I'm easily strong enough for two. Besides, even if a bludger did hit one of us…nothing would happen!"

"Still," Bella's voice was getting closer, "Couldn't you use…" she appeared at the doorway in a Gryffindor Quidditch robe (for the record, gold looked horrible on her), "…an extra player?"

"No!" Edward, Alice and Rosalie shouted simultaneously, looks of horror on their faces.

"Aww, come on," Bella pouted, "I'm not THAT bad!"

"Sorry, Bella," Alice said gently, "but…you have all the coordination and grace of a one-legged rhinoceros on Vicadin and tequila."

"But…But…"

"Sorry, love," Edward said, "but it's true."

"But…But…what if I were to tell you…" Bella got a faraway look here…

"_Something has changed within me_

_Something is not the same!_"

"Does she mean her inner ears?" Rosalie asked snarkily.

"_I'm through with watching on the sidelines of someone else's game!_" Bella sang a little louder, glaring at Rosalie. She continued,

"_Too late for second-guessing_

_Too late to sit in the stands_

_I need to grab a broomstick,_

_Hold it in my hands!_"

"Bella, dear," Carlisle began,

"_It's time to try defying gravity_!" Bella cut him off,

"_I think I'll try defying gravity,_

_And you can't pull me down!_" She glared accusingly at Rosalie as Alice took her arm.

"_Can't I make you understand_," Alice sang, "_You're having delusions of balance?_"

"_I'm through accepting limits_," Bella argued,

"_'Cuz someone says they're so!_

_Some things I cannot change_"—

"Like her lack of coordination," Jasper put in,

"_But 'till I try I'll never know_!

_Too long I've been afraid of_

_Seeing the game I'm in be lost_

_But my boredom_

_Is simply much too high a cost!_"

"Edward," Alice mouthed, "do something!"

Bella continued,

"_I'd sooner buy defying gravity!_

_Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity_

_And you can't pull me down!_"

Before Edward had figured out what to do with this mess of a situation, Bella had run over to him and grabbed his hands in hers.

"_So if you care to find me,_" she sang to him,

"_Look to the Hogwarts sky!_

_As Dumbledore would tell you,_

_Everyone deserves a chance to fly!"_

"Emmett," Edward mouthed. Emmett nodded and started to sneak up behind Bella.

"_Hope I'm not flying solo_," Bella belted,

"_But still I'm flying free!_" Emmett grabbed her and put one hand over her mouth.

"_Fo fose who'f gwound me, fake a meffage fack from me_!" Emmett gave Edward a can-you-buh-LEEVE-this-girl look. He parted his fingers a little to give her room to breathe.

"_Tell them how I'm defying gravity,_" she sang even louder,

"_I'm flying high, defying gravity,_

_And soon I'll match them in Quidditch!_

_And nobody in all of Hogs_

_No wizard that there is or was_

_Is ever gonna bring me down_!"

"_You cannot fly, Bella_!" the Cullens chorused.

"_Bring me down_!" Bella pressed on.

"_We can't let you near a broomstick,_

_But we don't want to bring you…_"

"_Me-ee-ee-ee-ee_," Bella solo'd,

"_Doowwnn!_" the Cullens (plus Bella) sang in unison.

"Take her to Hagrid," Carlisle instructed Emmett, "He'll see that she stays put." Emmett nodded and dragged the struggling Bella out of the room.

"Now," he began again, "Where were we?"

Ten minutes later, the Cullens walked out onto the Quidditch pitch in their  
Gryffindor robes, clutching state-of-the-art broomsticks they had purchased by owl order at the last minute. The Hufflepuff team stood opposite them, with Cedric (who Jasper was glaring fiercely at) and Cho Chang (who Alice was glaring skewers of Brussels sprouts at) at the front of the group. Aro walked out between them.

"Alright," he bellowed, his voice still sounding fruity despite its being hugely magnified, "I'm Aro, and I'll be your referee and announcer today. Now, to my left is the Hufflepuff team, wearing classic robes of yellow and black. Playing Seeker for them is Cho Chang, whose hair is looking lovely today, I might add, in a sort of messy bun…"

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Ah," said Aro, coming about as close as a centuries-old vampire can to blushing, "I, er…anyway, to my right is the Cullen team, garbed in stately scarlet and gold—The fightin' Gryffindor! The Seeker for this team is Edward Cullen." Aro's voice was then drowned out by the SQUEEswoonfainting of several hundred fangirls—because not even a witch can make themselves immune to Edward Cullen's charm.

"Okay then," Aro shouted cheerfully, "BEGIN!" and he struck a sort of pose with both of his arms up in the air, as if to say, "go up."

Dumbledore cleared his throat again. "You have to release the balls," he informed Aro.

"I—what? Oh!" Aro spotted the chest at his feet. "Of course!" He leaned down and unlatched the chest. He decided to do the Bludgers first; with the first one, it took him about ten minutes to unlatch it, and when he did, it hit him in the nose. The second one was easier to set free, but it rushed up, hit him in the chest, and ricocheted into his shoulder before bolting off. Finally, Aro set loose the golden Snitch and picked up the Quaffle.

"Right," he yelled again, "BEGIN!" and he sort of flounced the ball up into the air while simultaneously striking his pose. Within seconds, Alice had run to the middle, caught the ball, and mounted her broom. The Cullens all followed immediately, and the Hufflepuffs soon after…leaving Emmett near the ground, shaking on his broomstick, whose handle was smaller than his pinky.

"Uh…guys?" Emmett said, looking up. "I think we got the wrong size…this broomstick's too small for me…"

"Great," Carlisle grumbled to himself, "No Beater…"

Alice, Rosalie and Jasper zoomed about, tossing the ball to each other and through the Hufflepuff goal too fast for the other team to keep up with. Cedric made a daring attempt to catch a ball Alice threw…and was conked in the head so hard he was out for the rest of the game. Alice flew down and left the game out of remorse, but Jasper played all the harder because of this.

Meanwhile, Edward soared above everyone, looking for the Snitch. Well, actually he knew exactly where it was thanks to his excellent hearing, but he wanted to give the Hufflepuffs the chance to get at least one goal, poor children.

Cho Chang flew up, looked at him, and got a sort of dazzled look in her eyes…then shook her head to clear it.

Edward listened to her thoughts:

"_Cedric said to fake right_

_And break left_

_Watch out for the bludgers_

_And keep an eye on Cullen_

Gotta fly the give and go

_And find the ball we want the most_

_But don't be afraid_

'_Cuz beat us Cullen may…_" She shuddered and narrowed her eyes, trying to find the Snitch.

"_Just keep ya head in the game_

_Just keep ya head in the game_

_And don't be afraid_

'_Cuz beat us Cullen may_

_Just keep ya head in the game_" She looked up and saw Edward, then started singing out loud to herself to keep her concentration.

"_U gotta_

_Get'cha get'cha head in the game…_" The Hufflepuffs, who were starting to look very dejected, joined in,

"_We gotta_

_Get our, get our, get our, get our head in the game_!"

"Oh my," Edward thought to himself, "this song is REALLY annoying!" But now Emmett was singing from the ground:

"_Let's make sure_

_To get up in the air_

_'Cause when we get it_

_Then the crowd will go wild_

_A second chance_

Gotta get up and fly

_Maybe this time_

_We'll hit the right notes_!" Then he promptly fell of his broom and stopped singing.

"Is this song ever going to end?" Edward said out loud.

"_U gotta_

_Get'cha, get'cha head in the game…_" Cedric started to sing.

With a cry of frustration, Edward decided that was it. The Snitch was hovering by Cho's ear. He flew up to her.

"Hello there," he greeted, taking care to breathe on her.

She fainted and fell down, down, down to the ground, where, to the disappointment of many fangirls, she did not die.

Edward grabbed the Snitch.

The song stopped.

"Edward has caught the Snitch," Aro announced. "The Cullens win!"

Predictably, everybody cheered. Even the Hufflepuffs. After all, the Cullens did have Edward and Rosalie. Neither Cedric nor Cho could compete with that.

"Lunch in the Great Hall," Aro announced, "Pumpkin juice on me!"

Back in the Great Hall, the Cullens all sat at the Gryffindor table for lunch. The students were all discussing the Cullens' victory, which only Cedric and Cho begrudged them—the other Hufflepuffs were just happy to have had the honor to play them. Bella was just getting a start on her unidentifiable British food item and the Cullens on their mysterious glasses of red liquid (Hogwarts was always hospitable toward its guests) when Aro's laughter filtered loudly down from the staff table.

"…And I said to her, Nuh-uh, girl, you can_not _wear those shoes with that skirt! And then I ate her." Aro clapped his hands delightedly as he finished his story.

"You know," Bella mused, "I've always wondered about Aro." Edward smiled a secret smile, and Emmett asked the inevitable,

"Why?"

"Oh, come on," Bella snapped impatiently, "don't you guys have any gaydar at all?"

"Gaydar," Jasper muttered, "I think they have that at Sharper Image…" Bella sighed and rolled her eyes.

"_There! Right There!" _she sang,

_Look at that man with the pale skin._

_Look at the Prada shoes he's in._

_Look at the way he holds his chin._

_Oh Please, he's gay, totally gay!_" She looked at Edward, who smiled an infuriating not-my-secret-to-tell smile.

"Well, you could be right," Rosalie admitted, "But,

_I'm not about to celebrate._

_Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate._

_This guy's not gay, I say not gay_."

The Gryffindors joined the singing in a quiet chorus:

"_That is the elephant in the room._

_Well, is it relevant to assume_

_That this man, not in a tomb,_

_Is automatically radically fey?_"

Emmett sang, "_But look at his coiffed and crispy locks_."

"_Look at his silk translucent socks_," Bella added.

"_There's the eternal paradox_," Rosalie agreed,

"_Look what we're seeing_."

"What are we seeing?" Bella asked her.

"_Is he gay_?" Rosalie sang,

"Of course he's gay!" Alice interjected,

"_Or European_?" Rosalie finished.

"Ohhhhhh," the students chorused in a whisper,

"_Gay or European?_

_It's hard to guarantee_

_Is he gay or European_?"

"_Well, hey, don't look at me_," Edward grinned maddeningly. Alice cut in,

"_You see, they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports._

_They play peculiar sports_"

"_In shiny shirts and tiny shorts_," the students added.

"Gay or foreign fella?

_The answer could take weeks._

_They both say things like 'Ciao, bella'_

_While they kiss you on both cheeks_."

"Oh, please," Bella sighed.

"_Gay or European_?" the students insisted,

"_So many shades of gray_!"

Krum solo'd, "_Dependink on the time of day, the French go either way_."

"'Ey!" Fluer protested.

"_Is he gay or European? Or_"—the students were cut off by Rosalie.

"_There! Right There!_

_Look at that self-assured gait!_

_Before you judge, just wait, just wait!_

_My proof is not a second too late!_

_That guy's not gay, I say no way!_"

"_That is the elephant in the room_," the students agreed,

"_Well, is it relevant to presume_

_That a vampire in that costume_"

"_Is automatically-radically_," Bella sang,

"_Ironically chronically_," Emmett added,

"_Certainly pertin'tly_," Jasper put in,

"_Genetically medically_," Alice followed,

"_GAY_!" the students grew louder,

"_OFFICIALLY GAY!_

_OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY!_" Just then, Aro leaned toward McGonagall, his expression no different than it had been when he was conferring with Caius—proving that he wasn't flirting.

"_DAMNIT_!" the students shouted,

"_Gay or European_?"

"_So stylish and relaxed_," Jasper noted,

"_Is he gay or European_?" they questioned again.

"_My efforts here are maxed_!" Emmett complained.

"_But they bring their boys up different there,_" Alice explained,

"_It's culturally diverse._

_It's not a fashion curse_,"

"_If he wears a kilt or bears a purse_," the Hogwartians agreed.

"_Gay or just vampyric?_

_I still can't crack the code_."

"_There eez not a seengle lyric_," Fluer scoffed,

"For what 'eez face just showed!"

"_Huh_," the chorused mused.

"_Gay or European?_

_So many shades of gray."_

"_But if he turns out straight I'm free at eight on Saturday_," sang Trelawney, who was walking by at the time.

"Ew!" the students shouted,

"_Is he gay or European?_

_Gay or european?_

Gay or Euro-"

"Hey you," Emmett suddenly shouted at Aro, "What's your name again?"

Aro looked at him in surprise. "Aro."

"And what's your boyfriend's name?"

"Dumbledore." The students (and several of the teachers) gasped. "I mean"—if vampires could blush… "I mean, Dumbledore is my best friend. I thought you said best friend."

"It's okay," Dumbledore twinkled, "I guess the secret is out now. Students, I have an announcement!"

"_This man is Gay and European_!" Dumbledore sang,

"_You've got to stop your being_

_So afraid of what you are_!"

"_No matter what he say_," Caius put in boredly,

"_I swear he'd never ever ever swing the other way_."

"_You are so gay_," Carlisle agreed,

"_You big parfait_!" Marcus put in,

"_You flaming boy band cabaret_," Jane added.

"_I'm straight_?" Aro attempted one last time.

"You were not yesterday," Dumbledore said quietly, raising his eyebrows. Luckily, no students heard this, so none of them threw up their excellent British mystery meat.

"_So if I may_," Dumbledore announced, "_I'm proud to say_,"

"_He's gay!"_

"_And European_!" the students chorused,

"_He's gay!"_

"_And European!" _

"_He's gay!"_

"_And European and Gay_!"

"_Fine, okay, I'm gay_!" Aro admitted.

"_Hooray_!" the students finished.

Later that night, in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, Edward was sitting on his bed, listening to the other students chat and thinking about how unusually perceptive Hogwarts seemed to make Bella.

"I just can't believe Dumbledore's gay," Ron said in disbelief.

"Yeah, I know," Dean agreed, "Who could've seen that one coming?"

Edward smirked.

Seamus was staring at his Muggle soccer poster as if begging for divine guidance.

"Hey Seamus," Neville asked, "Why _do_ you keep that poster around, anyway?"

Seamus sighed and put on his best Explainer singing voice:

"_When I'm lonely or feeling dejected_

_I see this, and it never fails_

_I pretend like I'm in Ireland_

_Where the Irish owls bring mail_."

"Oh," Neville said, "that explains it."

"_When my peers make me feel disconnected,_

_Or Hogwarts makes me feel alone,_

_I pretend like I'm in Ireland_

_Where the Irish_"—Just then, Harry burst in.

"Can you guys believe that Dumbledore is gay? I mean, who saw that one coming?"

Everyone still missed Edward's pronounced smirk.

In the Beauxbatons carriage, Aro's and Dumbledore's being outed was making just as much of a splash. Emmett sat in the splendiferously decorated common room while the students around him chattered in rapidfire French. Rosalie had stepped out of the carriage (leaving him with express instructions not to move) to hunt some squirrel before pretend-bed. Emmett could have joined the conversation, of course, but he just didn't want to let on that he was fluent in French.

Inevitably, Fleur came up to him and put her hand on his arm.

"So," she asked him with a rapt expression. "Tell me, I am curious: Are vampeeres actually dead?" Emmett smiled at her in a you're-not-that-bright-but-I-understand kind of way.

"_I am not dead yet_," Emmett informed her,

"_I can dance and I can sing!_

_I am not dead yet_

_I can do the Highland thing_," he then proceeded to do the aforementioned thing,

"_I am not dead yet!_

_No need to go to bed,_

_No need to call the doctor 'cause I'm not yet dead_!"

Rosalie walked in then, and, seeing Fleur attempting to flirt with Emmett, bitchslapped her from there to Tuscany.

"Ow!" Fleur throated thickly. Rosalie pulled Emmett toward her.

"You danced a jig," she stated.

"Meep," Emmett agreed.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and kissed him. "Don't ask me why I love you." With that, she stalked off to the girls' dormitories.

Fleur gazed at Emmett with an expression of resentful longing.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_Meep. There you go. And remember what I said—my apologies for appeasing Alice on the Aro/Dumbledore thing! Oh, and I should probably apologize for using a High School Musical song, too. But at least I made Edward hate it!_

_Speaking of that, the songs used in this chapter were: "Defying Gravity" from Wicked, "Get'cha Head In the Game" from (cringe) High School Musical, "There! Right there!" from Legally Blonde: The Musical, "Ireland" from the same, and "I Am Not Dead Yet" from Spamalot. Also, apologies for using two songs from the same musical this chapter. Still, I hope you liked it! I would love to see some reviews!_


	6. Consider Yourself

Well, sires and madamas, it is that time again

Well, sires and madamas, it is that time again. It is…oh, wait, I've already used that line, haven't I? Well, in any case, this is a new chapter and I am out of clever introductions.

_Remember, if you feel the need to read this chapter and NOT leave a review…don't. I mean, don't not leave a review. That is to say, leave a review. It doesn't have to be long; just some acknowledgement that you read it would be much appreciated._

_On another note, I want everyone to know that I am very excited about this chapter. Because I get to use a few ideas that have long been stewing in my brainy-type thing…mwahaha and all of that…_

Chapter Six: Consider Yourself

Breakfast at the Gryffindor table was an odd affair that morning. All of the Cullen children were crammed in next to the trio, the Hale twins looking very uncomfortable and Bella still looking like a deer in very shiny headlights.

"Rofalie," said Ron through a mouthful of toast, "you're loofing"—he swallowed—"you're looking kinda uncomfortable. Is there something wrong?" Hermione looked at him with a mixture of hurt and amazement. It was a look that said, 'what is wrong with you? You're acting like you care! And…why are you saying this to _tha_t girl? I can look uncomfortable if I want to, and often do!'

Rosalie snuggled pointedly closer to Emmett. "I just feel like I'm making a lot of enemies here," she admitted. There was something about the ginger, she thought, that made her actually open up to people, like a regular person. Because that is the power of the ginger.

"Oh, nonsense!" Ron protested with far too much enthusiasm. "Liften"—he swallowed another mouthful of toast and sang,

"_Consider yourself at home,_

_Consider yourself one of the Gryffindors._

_We've taken to you so strong_

_That it is clear we're going to get along_!"

Hermione let loose her most forceful glare, but Ron didn't notice. Rosalie was smiling a teeny tiny bit, and Emmett was looking extremely curious.

Neville, always welcoming, jumped in:

"_Consider yourself well in,_

_Consider yourself well-protected here._

_The Slytherins want our heads _

_But if they try anything we can call the feds_!"

Ron and Neville sang together now,

"_Consider yourself our mate_

_We don't want to have no fuss_

_But after some consideration, we can state:_

_Consider yourself one of us_!"

Bella cheered and clapped. "Edward, look!" she squealed, "_Both_ of Harry's lovable but bumbling male sidekicks can sing! It's the singing Ginger and the singing Blunderboy! Awwee, 's so cuuute!"

Ron and Neville stared at her blankly. Who were these sidekicks she was speaking of?

"Well," said Rosalie, coming up behind them, "that actually made me feel better. Loath as I am to admit it, I don't hate you guys." She took Neville's arm in her right and Ron's arm in her left. "Walk me to class?"

Ron and Neville both nodded, dumbfounded by their outstanding luck.

"Emmett," Rosalie called over her shoulder, "come."

"Aww, come on, Rose," Emmett complained, "I'm not a werewolf!" So Rosalie turned her back and walked out with Ginger & Blunderboy in tow, and Emmett followed anyway.

"Wow," Alice commented as they left, "I don't think I've ever seen Rosalie make friends with anyone ever, let alone that quickly. The Powers of Ginger are truly astounding." And with that, she and Jasper got up to head to class.

"We should probably get to class, too," Bella said.

"I think you should eat something first," Edward replied. "We've got Transfiguration today, and I don't want you fainting if McGonagall turns into a cat."

"If I was a vampire I wouldn't need to eat right now," Bella muttered.

"What did you say?" Edward asked.

"You heard me," Bella mumbled.

"Wow, Bella, you're grumpy today…"

"Of course I'm grumpy today, Edward! It's called the Grumpy Bella Cliché!"

"…" said Edward.

"The cliché," Bella explained, "is that I'm constantly grumpy because I'm unhappy that you haven't set a date for my becoming a vampire. What most fanfictioneers fail to realize is that that's only true for _part_ of the books!"

"Well," Edward mused, "_are_ you unhappy because there's no date?"

"Likeduh," Bella replied.

"Bella," Edward sighed, "are you _sure _you want to do this?"

"Oh. My. GOD, Edward! How do I explain this to you? Hmm…let me think…oh! I've got it!" And she sang,

"_Look at these vamps_

_Aren't they neat?_

_Wouldn't you think that my family's complete?_

_Wouldn't you think I'm the girl_

_The girl who has everything?_

_Look at Edward_

_Beauty untold_

_How many wonders can one creature hold?_

_Lookin' at him, yeah, you'd think,_

_Sure, she's got everything._

_I've got mythical creatures aplenty,_

_I've got magic and mayhem galore._

_You want boyfriends? Yeah,_

_I've got twenty! _

_Well, only two,_

_But who cares? _

_I want more_…"

"More boyfriends?" Edward interrupted with alarm. Bella shook her head and continued,

"_I want to join my vampire fam'ly_

_I wanna see, wanna see 'em dancin'_

_And I wanna be able to dance, too!_

_Bein' human you don't get too far_

_Breath's not required for life when you are_

_Prancin' along with your mythical amigos!_

_And when they walk_

_And when they run_

_I wish to hell I could just keep up!_"

The music slowed, and Bella looked Edward pleadingly in the eye.

"_You are so free_

_Just let me be_

_Part of your world_!" Edward put his arms around her.

"You know I can't resist it when you sing," he whispered in her ear. Bella pulled herself away so she could look up at him.

"Does that mean"—

"Absolutely not," Edward interrupted.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Meanwhile, Jane had been missing from the story for quite a while. Where was she, you ask? We find the answer in the Shrieking Shack, to which Jane has secreted away the entire first-year class, using her evil little-kid charm to entice them into following her.

"Now, kids," said Jane, "who's ready to assist me in my nefarious doings?" Most of the pipsqueaks raised their hands.

"Miss Volturi," Dennis Creevy piped up, "what does 'nefarious' mean?"

"It means 'extremely wicked,'" Jane answered, annoyed.

"Oh," replied Dennis, mistaking the context of the word 'wicked,' "sweet!"

"Oh-kay," Jane restarted, "Now, our plan is to"—but an especially diminutive Hufflepuff named Charlotte had raised her hand.

"Yes?" Jane asked through her teeth.

"Well, I was just wondering, Jane, I mean, er, um, Miss, uh, since you're, you know…"

"Yes?" Jane growled again.

Charlotte's voice was now a tiny squeak. "Since you're little like I am, I was wondering if you had any advice for, erm, overcoming my, er, shortcomings?"

"No," Jane snarled.

"Not one for small talk, are you?" Charlotte grumbled.

"Now," Jane continued, "if there are no more interruptions, I will tell you the plan. I have had contact with Voldemort"—

"Really?" a Slytherin first year shouted excitedly.

"Yes," Jane replied flatly. "Really."

Charlotte raised her hand.

"Umm, Miss Jane, isn't, that is to say, isn't Voldemort…bad?"

"Do you want me to eat you?" Jane scowled.

"Noma'am," Charlotte squeaked.

"Then, for the love of the Supreme Evil Being, NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS!"

All of the first years were deathly silent. Dennis Creevey even stopped grinning.

"Good," Jane muttered to herself, "now…where was I? Ah well, might as well just go into my mad musical monologue now…" And, turning back to the first years, she began to sing,

"_In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning_

_'Cuz I'm a vampire and I do not sleep_

_I had a waking nightmare_

_I was loved because of my hair_

_And through my sweet face, nobody saw_

_The evil in me_!"

The first years were all staring at her, open-mouthed. Her voice was low, raspy and really quite scary, so the dramatic effect was astoundingly good.

"_I was once a simple lackey for Aro Volturi_

_But now that I'm here I can be so much more!_

_I will make that loony pay_

_When Voldie and I win the day…_

_Hogwarts students beware,_

_Jane never sleeps_!"

Jane now surveyed the students, put on her sweetest face, batted her eyelashes, and said,

"Would the little dearies like to sing for me now?"

With dazed looks on their faces, the first years chorused,

"_In the dark of the night, evil will call us_

_In the dark of the night Voldie will come!_"

"_Revenge will be sweet_," Jane cooed,

"_When the wizarding world's at your feet_!" the first years sang.

"_In the dark of the night,_

_Evil will rise_!" Jane announced.

"Now run along to your little classes," Jane said, "and make sure not to get pummeled by the Whomping Willow on your way out!" she chuckled an infectiously horrible chuckle. "I shall call you when I need you, my little minions!"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

By the time Edward and Bella got upstairs, there seemed to be some sort of commotion in the Transfiguration hallway. They soon discovered Ron and Emmett, facing each other amidst a crowd of students. Edward paused and put a finger to his lips.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

"_Wind's in the east_," Edward sang,

"_There's a mist comin' in_

_Like somethin' is brewin' and 'bout to begin_…"

"That's random," Bella commented. Then they turned their attention to the scene at hand.

"Oh yeah?" Ron was saying, "Well, I could totally take you!" he looked confidently at Rosalie, who in turn looked a little sad.

"Maybe a fight's not…the best…idea," said Emmett with great difficulty, not wanting to give up the easy opportunity but at the same time seeing the complications involved in killing the world's favorite ginger.

"Well, if you don't have the confidence," Ron said smugly, making Emmett cringe, "then I'm sure we can work out some other arrangement."

"How about," Emmett began with an 'oh-my-God-this-plan-is-far-too-genius-to-resist look on his face, "I challenge you to a… … … …_battle of the creative swears_!"

The crowd gasped. Well, I mean, individual people in the crowd all gasped at the same time, so it turned into one big collective gasp. I mean, a crowd is a sort of abstract idea, and it wouldn't work very well if an abstract idea went around gasping, would it? Although I'm sure Irony's tried it a few times…anyway…

Ron turned purple. "…okay…" he choked out.

Emmett grinned. "Okay. Rules. I propose that we not be allowed to use the following: 'Blimey,' 'Bloody Hell,' 'Bugger,' and 'Merlin's Pants.'"

"Agreed," Ron choked. Then he grinned a bit too as he got into the swing of things. "I propose the terms 'hell,' 'damn,' 'shit,' and 'fuck' also be excluded."

"Are the Irish versions of the last two allowed?"

Ron thought for a moment. "Only if the pronunciation is recognizably different, and even then only twice a day."

Emmett nodded. "Length of time?"

"Two weeks?" Ron suggested.

"Sure. Prize?"

"Personal pride," Ron rattled off, "bragging rights, out-manning, creativity award, congratulations of our peers, Rosalie."

"Rosalie's _mine_," Emmett snarled. Ron squeaked and backed away. "But the rest I'll agree to," he continued amiably. Ron relaxed.

"So…when the bloody hell do we start?" Ron asked.

"Why the hell shouldn't we start now?" Emmett replied.

"Right, then," Ron agreed, "on the bloody count of three."

"One, dammit!" Emmett counted off.

"Two, by Merlin's Pants," Ron added.

"…THREE!" they finished together.

"Well, may the best vampire win," Emmett said smugly.

"Bl—imp and a half, this is going to be difficult," Ron muttered.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

_I'll try to get more songs in next time, but the exposition is necessary, trust me. Aand the songs for this chapter were…"Consider Yourself" from Oliver!, "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid, "In the Dark of the Night" from Anastasia, and "Chim-Chim-Cher-ee (Prologue)" from Mary Poppins. Hmm, there's a lot of Disney in this chapter…REVIEW!_


	7. Climb Ev'ry

Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted on this, but what with theatre camp and the preparations for the Breaking Dawn

_Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted on this, but what with theatre camp and hating _Breaking Dawn_ (which, by the way, this fic takes place before), I've been busy. However, I am back now…with a vengeance!_

….

Chapter 7: Climb Ev'ry…

The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw Fourth Years were just minding their own business in the Transfiguration classroom, when Fred and George burst in.

"Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley," McGonagall peered suspiciously at them, "what is your business here?"

"Well," said George,

"We were considering becoming Animagi," continued Fred,

"And we had a question."

"Proceed," said McGonagall disapprovingly.

"If"—Fred began, but he was interrupted by a burst of laughter from Edward.

"Mr. Cullen, would you care to tell us what it is you find so funny?" asked McGonagall.

"Oh, it's nothing," Edward answered with his best "I'm-a-good-liar" face. "Fred, George, aren't they doing Thrushganger's Second Antidote in the seventh-year Potions class right now?"

"Thrushganger's Second?" Fred asked, alert.

"Commonly known as the Extremely-Easily-Confused-With-Poppelkirk's-Number-One-Hysteria-Salve-Due-To-There-Being-Only-A-Slight-Difference-Between-The-Two-Recipes Potion?" George added.

"George, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" And the twins were gone.

"What was that about?" Bella muttered to Edward.

"You don't want to know what Fred was about to ask," he replied.

"Actually, Edward, I do. Believe it or not, I'm not a huge fan of the way you always hide things from me 'for my own protection.' Maybe it's cuz we were written by a Mormon, but I've always felt like the gender roles were exaggerated in our dynamic. Maybe if you"—

"WILL YOU KIDS PLEASE SHUT UP?" McGonagall begged, "YOU'RE DRIVING ME OOC!"

………..

Later that same day, McGonagall was walking down to the dungeons for some Super Special Awesome McGonagall Tea from the potions storeroom. Imagine her surprise at finding Fred and George sitting on a bench in the corridor…with a tiny first-year Gryffindor boy.

"…and her name is Charlotte, and she's really sweet, but I don't know how to tell her I like her! It's harder than I thought being eleven! There's a lot of responsibility!" Poor George seemed to be trying very hard to restrain laughter—it probably didn't help that the first year had a lisp.

"Yes," Fred agreed, "It's very difficult. But about the crush, let me put it this way…

_When you meet the someone _

_Who was meant for you_

_Before two can become one,_

_There's something you must do_…"

"Sooo…" said the kid, "I have to ask her out...?"

"Not quite," put in George,

"_There is something sweeter _

_Everybody needs_…"

At this point, Fred got up and did a fanciful pirouette before singing:

"_I've been dreaming of a_"—

"Weasley…" McGonagall interrupted, "What are you doing?"

"Professor McGonagall," George replied innocently, though she was clearly speaking to Fred, "didn't you know about Hogwarts' big brother/big sister program?"

"I need some tea," she muttered to herself, turning wearily away from the gregarious gingers and the very befuddled first year.

As McGonagall continued her tea-seeking sojourn, Snape came around the corner, muttering, "'Twas Brillig and the slivy toves did gyre and gimble in the…"

"Severus!" she called cordially, "How are you?"

"Terrible," Snape oozed. "The Wonder Twins caused a major disruption in my class. Five students went completely crazy."

"Yes, they…are some very strange children," McGonagall replied.

"Something is rotten in the state of Hogwarts…" Snape emo'd.

"I think I know what it is," McGonagall agreed,

"_Kids_!" she sang,

"_I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!_

_Kids!_

_Who can understand anything they say?_"

"You're right!" Professor Snape agreed. Then, in his trademark nasally tenor, he added,

"_Kids!_

_They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs!_

_Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers_!"

"_And while we're on the subject_:" McGonagall added,

"_Kids!_

_You can talk and talk till your face is blue!_

_Kids!_

_But they still just do what they want to do_!"

Then they sang together, which was quite a sight:

"_Why can't they be like we were,_

_Perfect in every way?_

_What's the matter with kids today_?"

"Well," Snape says when the song is over, "If you'll excuse me, Minerva, I have a classful of students to hate." He oozes around and walks off, muttering, "Oh frabjous day…"

"Well," McGonagall said to herself, and continued on her way.

……………..

--Meanwhile, in the Great Hall…--

"And Bl—oodstones and broomsticks, you should've seen the look on Cedric's face," Emmett was finishing his story, having been in the Potions classroom the previous hour.

"Bo—ggart in the wardrobe, that's bl—aringly brilliant!" Ron chortled.

"Oh, are you using creative swears?" Hermione asked Ron, sitting down at the table. "Glad to hear it. You know, I always thought your vocabulary was sadly limited when it came to explanations. You know, you might enjoy this opening of your creative channels, even though you had to be forced." With that, she set down her bag and started loading up her plate.

"Mer—maids' shimmering garters, Hermione, can't I ever get a break?" Ron asked lovably.

"No, silly," Hermione began over the musical intro,

"_You'll never get away from me_

_You can climb the tallest tree_

_I'll be there somehow!_

_True, you could say, _

_'Hey, here's your hat,'_

_But a little thing like that_

_Wouldn't stop me now_."

"You know," said Bella, "I think she's onto something…" Turning to Edward:

"_I couldn't get away from you_

_Even if you told me to,_

_So go on and try!"_

"_Just try_," they sang in unison,

_"And you're gonna see_…"

"_How you're gonna not at all_," Edward sang sweetly,

"_Get away from me_."

"Ah!" cheered Dumbledore, coming up behind the couples and clapping, "Music—a magic beyond all we do here!"

At that moment, the doors of the Great Hall were pushed loudly open, and a very frightened-looking Colin Creevey clambered up on top of a table.

"_Extra! Extra_!" he sang,

"_Hey, look at the headlines! _

_Historical news is being made!_

_Extra! Extra!_

_They're drawing a red line_

_Around the biggest news of the dec_"—

"Wot is it, Colin?" asked Harry exasperatedly.

Throwing his arms out and looking theatrically ceilingward, Colin shouted, "THAT CREEPY JANE VOLTURI KID IS TEAMING UP WITH LORD VOLDEMORT TO LEAD AN ARMY OF DEATH EATERS AND SOULLESS ZOMBIE FIRST YEARS"—he paused to draw a huge breath—"INTO HOGWARTS."

"Well," said Emmett in his best Irish accent, "foock this shite."

--Ten minutes later—

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and for some reason Bella, Edward and Alice stood in the Headmaster's office. Dumbledore sat behind his desk looking serious, Fawkes was squawking, and Ron, toast in hand, was doing some major stress eating.

"Professor Dumbledore," Harry finally angsted, breaking the silence, "Wot are we going to do about this attack?"

Dumbledore's _astute periwinkle gaze_ twinkled soberly as he thought over the issue.

"Well," he began at length, "I suppose now is an excellent time for that chapter-long explanatory speech I give you toward the end of every book. Right…" Dumbledore stood up and moved in front of his desk, facing the students. Then, he took a deep breath and sang in an absolutely stunning tenor:

"_Climb ev'ry mountain_

_Search high and low_

_Follow ev'ry by-way_

_Every path you know_

_Climb ev'ry mountain_

_Ford ev'ry stream_

_Follow ev'ry rainbow_

_'Till you find your dream_

_A dream that will need_

_All the love you can give_

_Every day of your life_

_For as long as you live_

_Climb ev'ry mountain_

_Ford ev'ry stream_

_Follow ev'ry rainbow_"--It should be said, at this point, that Dumbledore made a rainbow hand gesture for this line—

"_'Till you find your dream_

_But first you will need_

_To kill Voldemort_

_Or else your goals_

_Will fall rather short!_

_Climb ev'ry mountain_

_Ford ev'ry stream_

_Follow ev'ry rainbow_

_'Till you get that vill'n_!"

"So," said Harry, "What you're saying, (with numerous apostrophes, I might add), is, I need to kill Voldemort?"

"Yes," Dumbledore agreed, "that's the general idea."

"Bl…Bl…Bl…" Ron stuttered, sadly deprived of his favorite swear.

"That was unexpectedly simple," Hermione stated.

"Well," Bella pointed out, "That _is_ kinda what the whole series is about."

The members of the Trio looked at her and said, in unison, "what series?"

Alice glared at Bella. "Do you need me to slap you?"

"Meep," said Bella.

"By way of suavely smoothing this over," suggest Edward, "why don't we…go down to prepare for the battle."

"A capital idea," Dumbledore agreed with just the right amounts of cheerfulness, scariness and courage in a Sage Male Mentor Figure Character preparing for battle.

"Down we go!" Harry shouted, smashing the case Gryffindor's sword was in and pointing the weapon doorward.

"Oy vey," muttered Alice, "dramatic much?"

……….

_Sorry it's been sooooooo long since I updated! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, despite the Old Musical Overload. Songs were "True Love's Kiss" from Enchanted, "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie, "You'll Never Get Away From Me" from Gypsy, "Extra! Extra!" from Gypsy, and "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" from The Sound of Music. Heeyyy…anyone wanna request musicals for me to enter into the magic hat from whence I pull songy-type magic?_


	8. War Is a Science

Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: War Is a Science**

In a secluded cave somewhere secluded, Voldemort and his followers were planning their dastardly deeds.

"I say we just go in there and destroy 'em!" shouted Avery, pounding his fist, which resembled a stunted tree branch so much that it seemed to blend into the table.

"I disagree," oozed Snape, who had just appeared in the spot where, a moment ago, a bat had been flapping its wings. "I think we should take more time to plan."

"You're batty," came a muffled rasp from out of the long, grey, all-concealing cloak that sat stiffly upright in a chair in the corner. "We need to attack as soon as possible."

"Yeah!" Yelled one Death Eater, "I love a good fight!"

"I love a well-planned fight," oozed Snape sullenly.

"I love a good tankard of firewhisky!" slurred a particularly large Death Eater.

"I love being a feeling-less black hole of pure hatred and evil," announced the cloak ominously.

"Children, children!" said Voldy in a way that was neither creepy nor lecherous, "Let's not bicker and argue over how to kill who! Let's just do it the simple way and do exactly as I say."

"So we're going to wait it out?" Snape greased hopefully.

"Exactly," said Voldemort.

"But"—said the cloak.

"No, no, do not protest," Voldy ordered, holding up a hand in a not-at-all-Spice-  
Girls-ish signal to stop (right now, thank you very much). "I know some of you may think it's better just to go rushing in there right now; let me explain why my way is the best!" Voldemort stood up, struck a pose complete with jazz hands, and sang:

"_War is a science_

_With rules to be applied_

_Which Death Eaters appreciate_

_Forget but then rememberate_

_Before we go to decimate the other side_!"

"Wow," said Bellatrix, leaning extremely far out of her seat in order to have her face disturbingly near Voldemort's, "I never thought of it that way. You're really smart."

Voldy looked flattered.

"Oh, come on!" rasped the cloak, "Anyone can see what she's doing. It's the oldest trick in the book—pretending to be impressed with something you don't give a crap about! I can just see her as a cheerleader, leaning over the hot nerd's desk and pretending she likes him for his brain when they both know what's really going on! It's obvious Lestrange just has a lizard fetish!"

"Oh no you did not!" gasped Bellatrix, standing up and knocking down her chair with her ridonkulously big skirt. "Take it back! Take it back, or I'll torture it out of you!"

"Oh," said the cloak, standing up to reveal its impressive height of approximately three feet, "You wanna go?"

"Yeah!" shouted Bellatrix, "bring it!"

"Girls, girls, girls," said Voldemort, moving to stand between them and putting one hand on each of their shoulders, "I don't want any fights here…unless there's a secret Order member in this cave!"

All the Death Eaters chuckled dutifully, while Snape let out a high-pitched, nervous laugh that rang of bat sonar. Meanwhile, while the cloak had flitted away from Voldemort's touch almost immediately, mumbling, "how did you know I was a girl?", Bellatrix had let Voldy's hand touch her shoulder until it became extremely awkward.

"Er," said Voldy, withdrawing the hand, "Yes. In conclusion…

"_War is a science_

_A breeding ground for brains_

_So we'll plot ways to slaughter_

_That foolish Harry Potter_

_Until the time comes for us to wage our campaign_!"

"That's all well and good," rasped the cloak, approaching Voldemort, "but…" the cloak lowered its hood, revealing the heartbreakingly sweet face of Jane Volturi, "Can we go kill people now?"

"Go…kill…people…sure," replied Voldy in a dazed sort of voice.

As the Death Eaters filed out, laughing and shouting, Bellatrix made use of her witch's power to glare actual daggers at the indestructible vampire.

-Meanwhile, in the Great Hall…-

"…so," said Alice, just coming out of one of her super-duper-fantastic FUTUREVISIONS, "in light of that, here's the plan. Fleur, Rosalie?"

Both girls nodded at Alice, avoiding each others' eyes.

"I'm afraid you'll have to work together," Alice informed them. "They'll be sending in five male Death Eaters through the west wing. We'll need you to use your…wits to incapacitate them." Again, they nodded, knowing exactly what the use of "wits" entailed. "One of them is a werewolf, Rose, so be careful…Edward," Alice continued, "I know you want to be all stereotypically overprotective again, but I assure you, Molly Weasley is perfectly capable of guarding Bella sufficiently."

"No," growled Edward automatically.

"Why can't I join the fight?" Bella whined.

"Because," explained Jasper, putting his hand on top of Bella's and sending her a wave of apathy, "you are a small, breakable human with no remarkable talent or skill whatsoever."

"Exactly," said Bella, shaking off Jasper's hand, "I'm expendable. Surely if I stood in the middle of the hall, cutting myself with a sharp wand while doing a chicken dance and singing "Tomorrow," I'd be able to distract both Jane and Voldemort long enough for you guys to win it and live on!"

Alice blinked. "Alright, Edward, you can guard her. There're only so many people one single vampire can dazzle, anyway."

Edward brusquely nodded his thanks. "Emmett," said Alice, "you'll be Dumbledore's personal bodyguard—he may be the most powerful wizard who ever lived, but brute strength is the one thing he doesn't have, and he may need it now. Be careful—the Death Eaters have been told to go straight for him, so you'll be heavily targeted. Voldemort has a fleet of lackeys on brooms, waiting for Dumbledore to die so they can get in from the roof. We'll have a group of Hogwarts teachers stationed on towers and battlements, but that's only a precaution. You're the real protection there, so…no pressure." Alice cringed at the clicheness of her previous sentence.

Emmett grinned and ran, vampire-speed, to the head of the table, where Dumbledore stood. He put his arm around the wizard's shoulders and said, "Don't worry, buddy. You're safe with me."

"Riiight," said Alice, "Harry. I"—

"I WONT TO FIGHT!" announced Harry, standing up and waving his arms effectively, if a bit nonsensically.

"Ahem," came Alice's small but authoritative voice. Harry sat down. "You will be fighting," she assured him, "but you'll have to focus. Since it's your destiny, you'll be on strict Voldemort-elimination duty."

Harry blinked. "It's my destiny?"

"Of course, silly-head! You know, neither can live while the other survives…" Alice was reminded by Harry's blank expression that he was still in fourth year and hadn't heard the prophecy yet. "Oops," she said, in a voice that would have been accompanied by a blush if she were still human, "me and my big mouth! The point is, I want you to put on your invisibility cloak and wait in the corner until you have a clear shot at Voldemort."

"BUT THAT'S COWARDLY!" Harry exclaimed, standing up on the table, "THAT'S NOT THE GRYFFINDOR WAY!"

"But it's the right way to do what's required here," Jasper assured him, voice dripping with self-righteous assurance.

"You're right," Harry announced, putting his hands on his hips and looking nobly upward, "It will be an unprecedented act of heroism! I shall win the day! Harry Potter (and friends) save the Wizarding world! Again! Jolly good!"

Alice rolled her eyes. "And as for the rest of us…we stay in here, where the majority of the Death Eaters' attack will be focused, and we fight!"

"HOORAY!" yelled the other fighters at the table.

Just then, a straggle of first years marched discordantly in, led by Dennis and the Hufflepuff named Charlotte.

"We want to fight, too!" announced Dennis, whose mind, like the other first years', had been wiped upon the adjournment of their meeting with Jane. "We may be little, but we can kick Death Eater--butt!"

"Dennis," said Alice, noting how the child's posture straightened at the vampire's use of his name, "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. What do you know about Jane Volturi?"

"Not much," he admitted, "but we're ready for whatever comes our way! Right?" he looked to Charlotte for accordance, and she nodded vigorously.

Alice clicked her tongue in concentration. "How do I explain Jane Volturi?"

"Ooo!" said Emmett, "I'll do it! I'll explain in traditional, grand Emmett style, and with very bad grammar!" Without waiting for any of his friends or family to assent, he dashed up from his seat to stand in front of the gaggle of first years and sang:

"_Her is_

_The kinda gal what gives a guy a chill_

_Isn't her?_" He looked to Rosalie, who agreed,

"Her is."

"_Her is_," Emmett continued,

"_Sadistic and she only aims to kill_

_Doesn't her?_"

"Her does," agreed Jasper.

"_First years_," sang Emmett, "_they ain't understandin'_

_Just how bad her is!_

_This ain't no line I'm handin'_

_Or Jane should smite me right where I'm standin'_!"

"Smite?" asked Charlotte excitedly. "I know what that word means! Pick me! Pick me!"

"I pick you," said Emmett. She beamed with pride as Emmett continued:

"_Her is_

_A hypnotically cute vampire child_

_Isn't her_?"

"Her is," said Ron.

"_Her has_," sang Emmett,

_"A short-man syndrome what is really wild,_

_Hasn't her?"_

"Her has," Dumbledore agreed severely. At the sage's words, Emmett belted with even more conviction:

"_Her is runnin' to us,_

_But her sure can bet,_

_We is_

_Gonna get her yet _

_(We're gonna smite her yet!_)"

For a long moment after Emmett fell silently, Dennis simply stared at him with increasingly wide eyes. Finally, like a balloon bursting and letting out helium, he spouted the word, "COOOOOOOOOOOOoooooollll!"

"Edward," said Alice matter-of-factly. Edward nodded, grabbed Bella's hand, and bore down on the first years. He scooped all seven of them up in one arm and headed with his charges to the Ravenclaw tower, which was the designated safe place for those who would not be participating in the fight.

As all of the vampires and wizards stared after them, a disembodied pair of jazz hands started shuffling rhythmically above the floor.

"_Mr. Cellophane_," came Harry's unmistakable bass voice,

"_Oh, Mr. Cellophane!_

_Should I bend my name_

_Mr. Cellophane?_

_'Cuz you can look right through me_

Walk right by me

_And never know I'm there!_

_I tell ya_"—

Just then, Carlisle came in. "Harry, jazz hands in. Inside voices. We talked about this." Abruptly, the song was cut short, and the hands moved back into the realm of the invisible.

"Hey Carlisle," said Neville, who had apparently been there the whole time, unnoticed, "If someone stood up in a crowd and raised his voice up way out loud, and waved his arms and shook his leg, d'you think…"

But Carlisle was already busy chatting with Rosalie.

"Darn it," said Neville to himself, "not again!"

-Just outside the castle gates-

The contingent of Death Eaters stood ready to force entry into the castle, Jane at their head, Voldemort and Bellatrix standing slightly behind. Jane was facing straight ahead, but Bellatrix was shifting her weight uncomfortably from side to side.

"My lord," she finally said to Voldemort.

"Yes?" he asked distractedly.

"In case I don't make it through the fight, I have something to tell you…"

"Say it, then."

"I…er…see, the thing is…I love you!" she said and, without waiting for a reply, grabbed Voldemort's face and did something involving lizard lips that I can't type directly for fear of having a stroke.

"I really did not see this coming, but I love you too, my loyal minion!" said Voldy in an OMGEPIPHANY voice.

"Wow," said Bellatrix as the music started, "I…

"_I tortured every muggle out there_

_I fought blood traitors claw and tooth_

_But somewhere in my lying, scheming past_

_There must have been a moment of truth_

_For here you are, standing there, loving me_

_Though it's clear you never should_

_So somewhere in the far distant past_

I must have done something good

_Nothing comes from nothing  
You can't even conjure food, _

_So sometime in archaic memory_

_I must have done something good._"

"_For here you are_," sang Voldemort right on cue, "_standing there, loving me_

_Though my heart's cold as stone_

_So somewhere deep down in my eighth of a soul,_

_Some hint of goodness must be known_."

"_Nothing comes from nothing_," they sang together,

"Nothing ever could…"

"_So somewhere in my youth_," sang Bellatrix,

"_Or orphanhood_," added Voldy,

"_I must_," they paused dramatically, "_have done_," pause, "_some_," pause, "_thing…gooooood_!"

The Death Eaters all stared disbelievingly at the new inter-species couple for a moment, before Yaxley called out, "Wormtail, are you all right?"

The sniveling snitch was indeed looking a little woozy. In fact, he sang weakly, "_I should lie down! Everything's brown and—ugh—I feel sick!_"

"My sentiments exactly," oozed Snape as Wormtail fell to the grass in a dead faint.

-In the Great Hall-

Hermione was discussing battle strategies with Carlisle, Dumbledore and Alice when Trelawney jingled in, interrupting her thoughts.

"What is it, Sybill?" asked Dumbledore, immediately sensing her distress. As the wizened wizard turned his head, Emmett shifted slightly in position, either to better protect the headmaster's head or to look cool and James-Bond-ish.

"_He's there, the Lord with the half-pint soul_!" Trelawney sang, mystically waving her arms, "_Beware the guardian of the mini-soul_!"

"Alright then," said Hermione gravely, "I suppose we'd better prepare to attack them before they attack us then."

Ron swallowed. "If it weren't for the creative swearing contest, I'd say this called for a 'bloody hell.'"

--

A/N: Woot! Another chapter finished! Sorry for the long wait…I'd make excuses, but you guys deserve better than that…The actual battle is coming in the next chapter, which should be chock full of good songy-types. Speaking of that, singables for this chapter were as follows: "War is a Science" from Pippin, "Her Is" from The Pajama Game, "Mr. Cellophane" from Chicago, "Something Good" from The Sound of Music, a nice little surprise for you RENTheads (That's a line from the song "Rent" from the musical Rent), and a brief Phantom of the Opera reference. Well, now that credit has been given where credit is due, I'd best get to work on the battle. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


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